October 26, 2012

Motherhood: A Song For Life

Motherhood was not something that I was really ready for.  One moment I was a happy-go-lucky girl enjoying my job and spending the money I earned.  The next moment I was married and was a wife.  Just as I was getting used to my identity as a wife and daughter-in-law, I realized I was pregnant and about to be a mother.  Everyone around me was jubilant - my husband, my parents and my in-laws, but I was a bundle of mixed emotions.  I had no idea what was involved other than the fact there was a life growing inside me and I had to be careful about it.  I was happily unaware of the responsibility of being a mother.

Since there were no complications, life went on as usual until I received the first kick.  Suddenly the baby seemed very much alive and a part of me.  He arrived much later than the prescribed date, after almost a day of induced labour.  By then I was too tired and exhausted, and just plain relieved that finally it was over. 

But I was wrong.  It was not over, it was just the beginning.  As he first held on to my finger, it was the beginning of an incredible journey, a journey in which we both still grow together. 

Nothing had prepared me for this wonderful journey without a destination.  No one had told me about the wild roller coaster ride of emotions I would experience, or the fierce sense of protectiveness that I would feel towards my son. Suddenly my life seemed to have a meaning and I had a song to sing.  I felt needed as I had never felt before. 

The initial years were a period of learning to juggle my job and my new duties as a mother. The sleepIess nights, the endless worrying, teething troubles and all the baggage attached to growing up, were compensated by seeing him smiling at me with shining eyes filled with love.  His first step, first word, followed by so many other firsts, were all minor miracles.  I learnt how his hug or kiss could make all my tiredness vanish, how much his laughter could make me feel better. I often found myself looking at things through his eyes, and that opened up a world of childish wonder for me. Even when I had doubts about my abilities as a mother, when I would feel guilty about spending so much time at work, his absolute acceptance would allay my fears.

At that time, I used to wish that he would grow up fast, at least hold his head up, start walking, talking, feeding himself so that I would not be so rushed.  Now after sixteen years, I wonder where all the years in between have gone, and when he learnt to do all that on his own? He took a lot in his stride, especially my inexperience as a mother.  We still learn together, me to be a mother and he to be a son, on our journey of life. 

My second son was very much wanted and I thought I was much better prepared when he came around.  But motherhood is not something that can be taken for granted.  Each experience is unique and each child is different.  Yet the song remains the same, though the music changes.  The feelings do not change, although your world changes.

Just when I feel I know everything about being a mother, my kids teach me something new and bring out a part of me that I never knew existed before.  I feel blessed and believe that I have become a much better person because of them.

My First Born and My Little One
Abhishek and Abhimanyu

Who am I?

A collage of faces
On the canvas of my life
All belonging to me,
Yet standing apart….

Putting on one visage
Laying aside another…
A seamless transition
From one to the other

Playing various roles
Wearing different masks
In every relationship

So many identities
Within my entity
Boundaries merging
And fusing together

I seek my self
Among my ‘selves’
Searching….. for the
Reality of my existence

I try to remove the veils
But am unable to…
Which is the real me?
Am I one or many?

Who am I?

July 1, 2012

Our Love...

Our love….
Without red roses or love letters
Without gifts or candlelight dinners
Without any past or any future
Yet there, forever….

Our love…
A certainty felt deep inside
A trust, without any reason
A faith unexplained
A hope for holding on…

Our love…
In the sharing of thoughts
In moments of togetherness
In an unexpected phone call
In a gentle hug or a kiss..

Our love…
With the cadence of a faraway song
With the sensual swish of silk
With the fragrance of roses
On the blank pages of our lives…

June 24, 2012

Facebook Life

Leading two lives
On a parallel track
A real life with its daily grind
And a virtual life… on Facebook

Where routine and monotony
Blends into the ideal life…
Where life is seemingly perfect
All are happy families…

Where it is as wonderful
As we want it to be…
Where there are no problems
No tensions, everything is great…

Where photographs are posted
For likes, shares and comments…
Where envy is invoked by
Perfect pictures of perfect vacations..

Where the number of your friends
Is a measure of your popularity…
Where opinions of strangers and
Obscure ‘friends’ matter more….

Where reminders remind us
Of birthdays and anniversaries…
Where we can talk about things
Without really having to mean them…

Where our life is an open book
With selected chapters on display….
Where we reveal only what we
Want others to see…

Where we feel that all others are
Getting a better deal than us….
Where we are forced to read statuses
Whether interested or not…

Where we can give our opinion
On anything and everything…
Where sharing is more easier
Than something original to say….

Where we sit with our green light on
Waiting for someone to chat to….
Where we talk mostly to ourselves
And imagine people are listening….

Where we spend so much of our time
As life passes us by….

June 23, 2012


a cold fire
with warm embers
ever glowing
always ready
to leap into flame…

the sun shining
behind clouds
hidden and unseen
feeling the warmth
of its presence

the mild mist
hazily drifting
borne along by
a balmy breeze
scented and fragrant

the mellow rain
softly falling
gently tugging
at the heart
to remember…

the memories
flitting at random
in and out
of the caverns
of the mind…

your love
even in absence
filling the spaces
beyond words
and distances….

a dull ache
 in the heart
gentle and throbbing
holding on
until we meet again…

June 17, 2012

Running away

She was running,
breathless and scared
through unfamiliar places..
Everything flashing by
moving in a blur
the wind on her face
whistling in her ear..

And still she ran….
into the unknown
only knowing that
she had to keep going
running this way and that
trying to be… what
they wanted her to be…

There was something
that pushed her on
so many expectations
so many dreams
all riding on her
till she began to believe
they were hers too…

Yet a vague sense
of doubt and disquiet..
as she tried to convince herself
that she was making up
for letting them down..
it was easier to accept,
than resist, until she was sure….

And so she ran on
away from her doubts
away from her fears…
away from her dreams….
little realizing that
She was running
away from herself too…

Maybe a day would come
when she could stop
and rest, and decide
what she wanted to do…
finding her own way
In her own time…
Till then, she had to go on….

The three of us

We’ve come such a long way
The three of us…
Through so many phases
So many stages….

Through childhood laughter and tears
Teenage heartaches and fears..
Through dressing up our dolls
to dressing up ourselves…
Through stylish trendy clothes
to shapeless maternity gowns...
Through changing hairstyles
and changing body shapes

Through crushes and infatuations
to love and relationships…
Through giggling and chuckling
to sharing secrets and dreams…
Through complaining about husbands
and feeling proud of our children...
Through different realities
And various priorities…

Yet together in spirit
The three of us..
there for each other
through all time…..

June 3, 2012

The Perfect Shot

She sat by the roadside
on a bulky suitcase…a picture
of fashionable elegance in a floppy hat
and cowboy boots….appearing
to have no care in the world….

Veiling the vulnerability in her eyes
behind cool shades…a veneer of
sophistication concealing
her uncertainties and the
insecure beating of her heart…

She had had enough of being
taken for granted…by family, friends…
and those who professed to love her..
For long, she had accepted their criticisms
as her faults, putting their needs before hers..

Moulding herself to their desires and
rising to their expectations…
putting her dreams on hold…
knowing she was being used, yet..
longing for their love and acceptance

She waited for the cameras to
get ready…holding her pose..
She wondered at the symbolism
and wished she could do the same
in her real life…just pack up and go…

To wherever her fancy took her…
footloose, and free to live her life
the way she wanted it to be….
Doing what she really loved
without trying to please anybody…

Yet knowing in her heart that
she would never be able to do so….
She cared too much, and people
had always been more important
to her than material things…

She valued relationships, where
she felt needed….although
at times they appeared one-sided
with everyone ready to take...
without any thought of giving…

The cameras rolled and the scene
was shot, framed for eternity…
without capturing the confusions
and thoughts that passed through
her mind in that instant….

May 27, 2012

My Baby....

You are still there somewhere
in the hidden regions of my soul
wearing lacy clothes, frilly frocks
and pink ballet shoes...
Standing on your toes, over my feet,
hugging me, with your smiling face
upturned and waiting for my kiss…

You still hold my heart in your hands
your spirit is entwined with mine
I never knew you, yet thoughts of you
never grow up and go away
longing for you, as if you are,
even now, a part of me…
and wishing I had another chance…

The baby I lost
The daughter I never had…..

May 20, 2012

The choice

Running over the sweeping fields
always gave me a sense of flying..
A feeling of liberation…the whole world
lying before me…so vast and open
as if waiting for me to explore…

So why restrict myself? Having no
patience with fences...disliking the idea
of boundaries….disregarding them...
finding the courage to leap over 
and soar above my limitations..

So it was, as I stood on the crossroads
of my future..the endless doubts about
what I could and couldn’t do…most of
my friends going the expected way
making me feel left out and alone…

Confused at first, and not sure which way
to go, tempted to take the easy way
by just following others, yet holding back,
reluctant to submerge my individuality
in the predictable and mundane….

Finally choosing to follow the direction
of my heart…. the decision to move away
from the crowd seeking the ordinary…
Setting aside my fears…ready to face
the unexpected and the unknown…

The responsibility of shaping my destiny
believing in the strength of my choice
exploring new avenues, not usually
followed by the multitude, but
believing in it….and in myself…

May 13, 2012

Daddy's little girl

It seems so strange.. sitting
alone here in this train, with
hardly any passengers, looking
at the world outside, and wondering
why it seems so different somehow…

When I was with you, the world
was such a beautiful place, so
secure, cosy and comfortable, feeling
cherished and pampered, with all
my needs taken care of…

You were there at each step, holding
me up, giving me everything I
wanted, making me eat and get enough
sleep, hovering protectively and
worrying about me.

But I didn’t realize all this then, and
just wanted to leave you and live
on my own, needing to prove how
grown up I was.... rebelling, when you
wanted me to conform.

I remember the hurt in your eyes, as
I answered back rudely, or asked you
to give me my freedom and privacy..
the pain you felt when you realized
I had secrets of my own…

I got what I wanted…but being on my
own has shown me the value of what I used 
to take for granted, nobody seems to care the
way you did, no one tries to understand..
How I miss you, Daddy!

Now, I wish I could put the clock back
and have some more time with you,
Nothing is as I thought it would be…
The world outside is indifferent,
uncaring and unfriendly…

I wish I didn’t have to grow up….
I wish I could just be…
Daddy’s little girl again!

picture courtesy:

May 6, 2012

April 30

rusty nails
peeling boards 
tomorrow beckons

April 29

burning passion
feeding on itself-
the ecstasy of love

April 28

morning dewdrops
imprisoned...spider's web
a glittering rainbow

April 27

waiting to open
and drift away together
twin souls

April 26

in a frenzied burst
pent up emotions

April 25

into rainbow hues
white light


cold, grey morning
autumn sunshine
in my room

May 1, 2012

April 24

the shell
of broken promises
your words blown away

April 23

out of the
shadows of the past
blooming again

April 22

standing tall
the joy of being alive
small and frail

April 21

venturing out
tentatively - still tied
to the umbilical cord

April 20

waiting to materialize
or be blown away..
a million dreams

April 19

whether to open up
afraid to trust

April 18


looking at today
time's clenched fist

April 29, 2012

My Father...My Son..

I remember the day you were born
so tiny, with perfect features, all fingers
intact, your tiny bud mouth open in a wail,
your eyes lost in the fierceness  of
your cry, waving your little fists in anger..
ready to take on the world…

I remember the feel of your little body
as it was placed in my rough hands
and the fierce sense of protectiveness
I suddenly felt for you, as you stopped
crying and stared into my face..the feeling
and responsibility of being your father…

I remember you learning to walk, holding
on to my fingers, your first birthday, your first
haircut, your first fall, the skinned knee
your magical smile, as I kissed it better..
the way you simply let go as you jumped into
my arms, trusting me to hold you…

I remember your first day at school, crying
to see me go, feeling I had abandoned you..
the bouts of fever which scared me, the sleepless
nights, your calling out for me in dreamy fright…
your unquestioning faith in me to put things right
your little hand in mine always pulling me on…

I remember how grown up you felt when
I let you go out on your own, when you dressed up
without help for the first time, when you learnt to
ride the bicycle, when you started deciding what
you want to wear, or what you want to eat…
making decisions as a part of growing up….

I remember all the various ‘firsts’ of your life
as they made you into an individual, slowly
taking your steps away from me…moving
into a different world, where I may not always
be around to put things right or kiss hurts away..
yet feeling fulfilled that I did the best I could do…

I remember the feeling of emptiness as you
left home in the pursuit of your dreams…
Now you are a father, you feel my pain and
understand all that I went through with you…
holding my gnarled fingers as I struggle to walk
You become my father, and I your son….

April 22, 2012

I Miss You..

I miss you most
not when you are absent
or far away…

But when you sit next to me
a thousand miles apart...
cloaked in silence, remote
and distant, aloof and detached
shutting me out of your thoughts…
pushing me away, as you
retreat into a world, where
there’s no place for me…
leaving me alone...putting up
an invisible wall somewhere
between us….too high to scale
and thick with the strain
of pent up emotions…
feelings unspoken...

As I sit miserable and lonely,
Wishing I could say the words..
longing to be said….

April 15, 2012

You and I

You are part of the sky
I am of the earth

You sail the heavens
I coast the waters

You belong to the night
I am a being of the day

You light up the dark
I bask in your glow

You move with a purpose
I drift with the current

You go about on your own
I need to have direction

You are surrounded by stars
I am grounded by reeds

You are not afraid of clouds
I am at the mercy of waves

You control the tides
I am dependent on them

You make your presence felt
I am not noticeable

You are universally needed
I am dispensable

You are beyond reach
I have to be available

You are the object of dreams
I am part of the scenery

You seem  unreal, a fantasy
I belong to reality

You can change moods
I am not allowed to

You wax and wane
I cannot afford to

You are one of a kind
I am ordinarily common

You are admired, adored
I am taken for granted

You look down and see the world
I look up and see only you

You are the gorgeous moon
I am just a dilapidated boat…..